Brendamom (brendamom) wrote,
Brendamom
brendamom

Feb 11 Medical Baby

feb 11 exam table

I am a big baby. I have been supposed to quit smoking forever.I have 30 some years of hand written journals that speak to quitting smoking. Does this qualify for delusional?
I wanted to cancel this visit, where I was supposed to have a breathing re-test. I told my doctor I would quit smoking a month ago. I did nothing.
Yeah, some days I could cut it all way down. Some days I didn't smoke til noon. That is not quitting.
I am a liar and a cheat and a big baby when it comes to changing. I am honest when I talk to doctors or nurse practitioners. But I lie to myself. I believe nothing applies to me, the dangers and so forth.

Feb 11 poster

What am I afraid of? Many people have much more severe changes to make or prognosis or chemo or learning a new prosthesis. I just have to get rid of smoking. Not a big deal, right?
I am afraid of loss. Cigs can be a friend. They can be a pausing point in conversations for introverts. They can be solace. And with loss, with loss of a comfort zone, especially in deep winter, the chance of depression. I am deadly afraid of depression, having been there a time or two.
My plan, at present is to go back to my reliable insightful therapist. It is my thoughts about this that are the problem.
Of course the old days of a smoke with friends are gone. Almost no one allows it anymore. In restaurants, bars, homes..so many places. And I don't smoke on the streets of my small town, for fear I will embarrass my kids or especially grandkids.

I have identified my safe places. In the field with dogs, at a play or movie, on the street or clutching a new novel tucked into my bed. This is where I never, ever smoke.
A month ago I wanted no comments on quitting smoking. Now I do.
The nurse says the average attempts for forever quitters is 8 times. OY! She says it is sometimes harder than heroine addiction. OH Joy! Can I get on Dr. Drew? James Taylor got off heroine. Maybe I should listen to a lot of James Taylor?

And if I am so addicted , it just isn't going to happen...I'll have to accept that and the consequences too.

I didn't get to the part about the knees.
Feb 11 Knee chart

I really want to keep on walking. They are not that bad yet. There are the dogs, the eagles now in winter, the sky, so much I don't want to miss.
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