Confessions of a Light Seeker

Didn't mean to like this dog

2009-12-21T03:11:28Z

But I do.
Never meant to adopt a Shelter dog let alone an adult dog.
I thought she would screw up and I could return her. She hasn't and I didn't.
Folks at the shelter say she was never a puppy mill breeder...but a breeder getting rid of dogs. I read Kansas Health department on the tag. Why does she know to sit and down?
She fits right in, actually. She settled the mumpty hump question with Bodie in about 5 seconds.
The dog is a goosh. I love you whoever you are kinda dog. Will she turn strange after a few months? I don't think so.
I think she would be a good therapy dog.
Today Bodie and dog reached agreements on tug of war games.
I like the name. M. or Em.
Empath, Auntie Em. M. for Miracle .
Bodie and EM

How to think of all this

2009-12-19T01:48:50Z

I turn 61 today. I have not conquered or let slide, quit cigarettes. Well, I have halved or three quarters quit. This is not the same as quitting.
I have a bunch of thyroid and adrenal gland problems. Many retests and Doctor appointments next week. Maybe smoking contributes to these problems.
The best way I know how to quit smoking is to crawl under the covers and not get up. Not good. This is my depression acting up. On some level these are all related.
Physical and mental.
In the midst of this, I signed up at the Shelter as first on the list for this Golden Retriever from an alleged breeder, but Health Department was on her card. By some miracle she is socialized and happy. She doesn't care about cats. She has already put Bodie in his place on random humping. Loves kids.
I have five days to finalize this adoption. She is on a house visit with me. She won't do anything wrong. She is very gooshy, where Bodie is stoic. Both kind.
What a strange time to have a new dog walk into my life.
The other night, I answered a question from my brother about when I didn't smoke. (Omitting social things, which really are no smoking these days.)Two places. In field with a dog, (or any sort of dog training) and under the covers with a great book.
So, there you go...

Liz and Family have a new puppy

2009-12-18T01:49:46Z

Liz and Phoebe, my second grand-dog.

I am failing in a good way

2009-12-16T15:51:32Z

From 30-40 cigarettes a day, I smoked 4 yesterday. I had to dig them out of the trash, so that was pathetic.
Today I bought a pack. Failure.
How many should I destroy to keep me safe?
How long before I can wrap my mind around not needing any?
Took a blood test today. Must pee in a bucket for 24 hours tomorrow.
Actually, I am feeling much better by not smoking much yesterday. Think of how good I could feel if I didn't smoke at all. Is this the bargaining phase of acceptance or even grief?

Health and Change- I have a messy body

2009-12-15T03:39:16Z

So when I had the CT scan I thought they were looking at lungs. They were, I guess. Lower right lobe is icky. They used a different term. Crap.
Also they were peeking at my thyroid which has developed a goiter, which leans against my trachea.
And then they really didn't like the look of my adrenal glands. More tests.
The first command is simply, stop smoking immediately.
This begins tomorrow. Because I think smoking effects everything else. I do. Everything. Internally and externally.
I have to find all hidden packs tonight. I have to get into a discomfort zone that includes everything I do.
I might find a crutch is gone and I am not sweety ole me, but a raving bitch. What things do habits hide? No, let's say it..what do addictions hide?
My greatest fear is the sense of loss, which historically, with me, led to Depression.
On the other hand, what if this is an adventure? Going into a land I don't know? Like health land?
What if when I go to parties and people are using alcohol and I really can't even consider that if I quit smoking...How does that work?
Hmmm.
So, I kinda consider this free fall. Jump off the cliff, with a wonderful reward (health) in store, but it might hurt during the getting used to it all.
If earlier choices had not been what they were, today would be different. I confess to a lot of stupid.
It feels like yet another new life. Strange. It is my fifth or sixth reincarnation. How many lives does one lifetime hold?

Sicko

2009-12-10T00:25:31Z

I have been sicko for a long time. Possibly since allergy season in September. It goes worse, it gets better, yadda yadda..
Finally I got to the doctor. had an x-ray. Now they want a chest CAT scan. Not good.
I sniffle and sneeze. I fret the mold and must of my basement. And Yes, I have not quit smoking. I have 9 days to do so. My next birthday.
And I am still looking at the Golden retriever at the Shelter. She is from a dog breeding operation and I have no idea what caliber.She's had hookworms, roundworms and Kennel cough. What next? I refuse to decide on this dog until I can get her out in a yard. See how she thinks. See if I can handle her. I am not picking my next dog through the wire mesh of a shelter run.
I have touched her on lead and in a room. She is very gooshy. Very lovey. Therapy dog material?
Bodie likes her. She likes kids. In fact, daughter Liz and family adopted her pup. Oddly, in the puppy testing room, she had no interest in a ball. She is totally people oriented. Will this make Bodie and me crazy?
Bodie is at his best. Whatever I say is okay as long as we are together. If I need a nap, yes. If I can't go outside, yes. Sometimes he brings my sleppers, just in case I want that now.
When will I be able to go outside? When will the dog in question? Do I want two dogs?
I know my highest joy apart from other people, is walking dogs in a field or playing fetch at water's edge. Can this dog learn fetch? What if she is not quite bright? Is a lovey loo-loo okay? So many commands hinge on retrieving. I think I have answered my own question. Retrieving is important for a retriever. Or at least some interest that direction.
First, I need to get well. Then the dog has to get well.
Then I need to think on what I want. Knees may deny me all that hiking. Hmmmmm.
She is a pretty girl. Deep bronze. And I like the way she dives into your body for affection.

If I have two dogs, I want to do it as right as I can.
We shall see. This is not yet a done deal. I have walked away before.

Sicky poo

2009-12-08T03:27:04Z

I have been kind of sick for months.
Went to the doctor today to resolve the hacking cough and phlegm and all that.
Got antibiotics and all that.
But everytime they ask me what color is my phlegm....I hear Flem..painters..and I want to say Van Eych's- one brother or the other.. ranging from brown arm undercolor to fleshy clear.
But I, instead, behave.

Bizarre Bazaar, Kid art, dog on my mind

2009-12-03T01:34:40Z

Essentially, my grand daughter's booth at Bizarre Bazaar sold out. Owen sold some too.
It was a grand day! Half of the proceeds will go to Humane Society- and it was sizeable considering the artists are eight.
And after meeting- what?- One 100-200 dogs for photos at the Humane Society- which takes up a lot of time, by the way...taking and editing phtos for local Petfinder.. is it any wonder that I signed up for first peek at a Mother Golden and her puppies?
My daughter Liz is signing on for one of the puppies. I keep liking the mother. She is on my mind.

After eight years of the grand and stoic Bodie..How do I go back to a Velcro dog that wants to love me all the time...or really anyone else too. Such sillieness! Such wonder of optimism!
They may not be puppy mill, but they might be close. Kansas Health Department is a clue as donor.
I like the dog. Actually, I love her, but she might be a pain in the butt with her needy nature.But she is so adoptable and loving, when I relinquish my hold, she'll be gone in about 12 hours.
I woke up all last night thinking about her.
Decisions, decisions.
Good solid Bodie liked her. Tonight some bogus salesman came to the door and said "MY! That is a big dog. And I said "Yes, he is."
A wiggle monster would not carry that demeanor.
I am half sick and not really capable of rational thought. If Maya and Anna get the puppy, I'd rather not diminish their joy by my own acquisition. In fact, I'd like to keep it private for a while. That is..If I do it.
I just need to think on this one more night.
We shall see.

Kid art...long

2009-11-23T02:18:13Z

I wasn't going to do Bizarre Bazaar, the crazy art show I sometimes do.
My grand-daughters talked me into it.
They wanted to donate half of their proceeds to the Animal Shelter, here in Lawrence Kansas. I suggested some animal art. I have tons of garage sale paint in my garage. So we met once, they painted, twice, five times and they painted. Each time, a delightful time of watching process.
Then I realized, I could put these images on my camera, adjust, Xyron on paper, and we have postcards.
The time spent with grand daughters is priceless. Watching a child's thinking has also been beyond my own thought process- enlightening. I understand a path to Absract Expressionism that somehow I (densely) left behind as an adult.

I painted a few. But my own work was dwarfed by inspired 8 year olds. I don't even want to include it in the show.

Gloomy weather

2009-11-15T21:56:12Z

I am glad to be snug inside. I made a cheese corn chowder for Book Club who should be here in a bit. This month's book was "Have Mercy on Us All" by Fred Vargas. It is a mystery and touches on the Bubonic Plague and associated customs. I am not a mystery lover, but I liked this one.
Mostly I have been busy taking photos for the Humane Society's Petfinder. Sometimes it is fun. I certainly am learning a lot about shooting fast.
But sometimes, when the puppy mill dogs come in and are all afraid of human contact, I get sad.

I think this is the saddest dog face I have ever seen.

I hope they can snap out of it, find joy and forever homes.

Two barns

2009-11-02T23:15:05Z

Actually, old wooden barns, still in use, are hard to find. Utilitarian barns seem to be metal these days.

Is Halloween over yet?

2009-11-01T00:07:44Z

Spooky old house

2009-10-30T23:55:27Z

The Art of Detioration

2009-10-29T18:07:22Z

The grain elevators are very old, but not torn down yet. These are from an area of the country once known as The Dust Bowl.

And a functional pick up truck from Arroyo Seco NM.

Grandkids in Fall

2009-10-27T23:48:34Z

As you can see, Kellar is walking now.

She likes to tidy her chair before sitting.

Owen is older and wiser.

Maya and Anna are growing up.
But they still like a little adventure.

Fall is a celebration. Anna celebrates with me, just for fun.

If you haven't laid in the leaves and looked at the sky, do it as soon as possible. Winter is hiding out there. Maya knows.

Paws For Freedom

2009-10-20T01:08:08Z

Perfect weather and perfect day for me. Dogs and puppies. Service dogs in training. The organization is a non-profit. Instead of starting a breeding program they go back to breeders who have either sold them good service dog puppies in the past or who are reccomended highly. The puppies are given extensive testing to see if they qualify as potential service dogs for the wheel chair bound. My heart was taken by the puppies, who this year are Golden Retrievers.

I am currently taking a lot of photos at the Humane Society Shelter. I deal with mostly untrained dogs. It is hard to get them even still enough for a decent photo in the exercise yards. And when the adoption manager at the Shelter asks what I want or what daughter Liz wants for her family, I say "It is not about a certain dog. It is about a look in their eyes, an attitude." Lately both Liz and I are seeing that this attitude is most consistently visible in Golden Retrievers.
I stood in a yard with six frolicking yellow Labs. Grown. Everyone listened and everyone got along. About four of these guys will become service dogs by spring. But a Labrador on full tilt will flatten you, especially if they are in fun race. I stood close to the fence, just in case they didn't have the manners I think they had.
One of the cool things about Leeanne who runs this, is that her dogs are trained by kids who are learning or emotionally disabled, at a local school. Five days a week, after school.
I met a few of the kids and they are so into the dogs.
This is during the puppy demonstration. The pups are five months old.

The general look of these pups (They all shake hands..) when they greet you is "Hello, I really really love you. What's your name?"
They are already working on light swith boards to turn lights on and off.

Of course, puppies are not perfect. They'd rather have been closer to the buffet.

And Bodie sniffs me after I come home. He looks vaguely disappointed, I think, that no one came back with me.
Bodie is John Wayne. He loves silly affection lovey loves from grandkids, but mostly he wants to do something for me. Or for someone.
I might need a gooshy dog as I get older. Teach the old guy that leaning, belly rubs or head pats are not as far as affection can go. Besides, when Bodie dies (and he is not on any scheduled list)...I might need one more dog to see me through. My heart would be breaking. He has taught me so much. More than I can explain.
We'll see....

Milkweed

2009-10-17T12:09:49Z

Taos at sunset.

2009-10-13T23:40:54Z

At first, you kind of forget that it is sunset until you notice the trees.

And the buildings...start changing color..

read more...

Everything becomes more than it was during daylight hours.

Magical.

And some building do things that are amazing. Who need Photoshop anyway? None here.

The sunset itself, is small and undemanding. It must be worn out from all the magic.

Day and Night

Taos Nights

2009-10-08T23:25:39Z

There was me, a wall, a mountain, and the moon.

Mostly I went to bed early. At dawn, I would peep out the door to make sure my mountain was still there.

Bodie's vacation

2009-10-07T01:16:05Z

One of the stops I wanted to make was to Bodie's breeder Tony Martins- just outside Show Low AZ. Tony is a hunter. He loves a good working dog. So when I heard that Bodie's sister was beginning to be a hunter, I wanted to see her. Her name is Magnolia and she is a soft sweet beauty. If I have a Lab again, it needs to be that soft eager one.

Now, one of the females was bred a few weeks ago. We think the scent was around. Or maybe Bodie had never been around female Labrador harems before. He had duh humpty hump on his mind. First he showed of by running and chasing. Then he tried all the females. He had no idea what he is doing. He is neutered.
The nice thing about Labradors is that nobody bit anyone, even when we went to lunch for an hour and left them in the yard for a time.
But Magnolia clearly thinks he is obnoxious.
Notice Bodie's drool.

As I understand it, Tony has three basic breeding lines going.
Here is a group picture. If I had a one dog pick for a one dog household, I'd pick Hattie Mae in the center. It is the bright eye. She has destroyed many things, including the house siding, but if you could direct that- boy oh boy. There is some spirit there! She loved chasing Bodie.

At the end of the day, Bodie's arthritis and all the repaired legs were kicking in. He was tired of traveling, tired of fun, just needed a snooze.

She's Baaaaack!

2009-10-07T00:16:54Z

Postcards - Texahoma

2009-10-01T02:27:56Z

Books, land and PBS

2009-09-28T03:55:00Z

Finished reading "The Worst Hard Time" by Timothy Egan- all about the 1930's dustbowl in Texas Oklahoma and Kansas, last week. I followed that with the PBS documentary "The Dust Bowl" with a lot of government footage of the disaster. I am going to be in Guymon Oklahoma tomorrow night. Did it ever really recover?
Basically, the dust bowl was caused by tearing up natural prairie grass, removing the buffalo and planting wheat. The descriptions of animals slaughtered that were simply full of mud, because of what they had been eating or inhaling...well, the people were inhaling and starving too.
Tonight it was The National Parks series by Ken Burns. I highly remcomend it. This episode, a large segment on John Muir, who spent a lot of time figuring out how nature works. A religious man, he saw God's works in nature. His fight for Yosemite National Park is amazing.
Yellowstone, Yosemite, so many others could have just become a Niagra falls. Or several Gatlinburg Tennessee's. Ever been there? Outside Smoky Mountain National Park? You can go to Dollywood or purchase stuffed fabric geese, fudge, Christmas ornaments from Hallmark and Taiwan,and too many Chinese quilts- 4 stiches to the inch.. right next to a beautiful park. The Park might be crowded,(as in bumper to bumper cars in season) but I got lucky and it was raining. Just me and my land.
It is ours, people.
Watch this series.
Can't say more. Just watch it.

My Baby is 30 today

2009-09-22T16:48:08Z

Ben is the youngest child. He grew up to be a wonderful person.

Happy Birthday, Ben!

Leaning Tree

2009-09-13T20:45:04Z