Then things with my Mom went South, with her getting in some zingers in the meantime. Then she died and I was 500 miles away. No more phone calls or cards to send, but still, a huge loss.
We fought most of our lives together. Always something. But we also laughed a lot and she was financially generous to me and all the kids and grandkids.
The questions come through. Couldn't she have loved me more? Couldn't I have loved her more? We are all so flawed. Relationships, generally, are flawed. Why could I not accept that?
Mom died right before Thanksgiving. She fell and never regained consciousness. Airlines were full. Hospice gave her 48 hours or less to live. I live 500 miles away. I didn't rush to her side by car. My brother held the phone to Mom's ear. We don't know if she knew it was me. We don't know if she was conscious. That is when grief set in and I began to vibrate. It hasn't stopped yet.
I got back from the funeral on Sunday. My kids from Boston flew and my kids from Kansas drove the 9 hours to the funeral. I really needed them and I told them so. And they came.
I am not even sure who took this photo. Maybe my best friend from 1964 to today. She was there.
I am very grateful to friends and family. Really, beyond words. Life has a way of healing you, your concerns, your grief and disappointments. But it does take some time.